I’m no fan of human cybernetic computer technology fusion, but I like to watch people fuck things up beyond psychological repair. Case in point: Google’s upcoming Glass. A headband for the new millennium that resembles a 1980′s sweatband.
So I came up with five predictions how Google Glass will be used to fuck people up further than technology already has.
#1: Diversion Twenty-Thirteen
For you art of conversation fanatics, be prepared to be psychotically annoyed at the further reduced attention these LeVar-Burton Star-Trek wannabes will give you. As if people weren’t distracted enough by their mobile vibrators with ring tones, now they’ll have it right between the two of you.
It’s like a five year old who jumps up-and-down between two mothers as he fights for attention. Shit will pop up and draw the other person’s attention; and they’ll do this willingly, because it’s customized to their needs. It provides a little more evidence how much they really care about what you have to say.
If that wasn’t bad enough, everyone will develop a nervous twitch in their eyes, as they constantly shift focus between you and checking if their pirated movie has downloaded. I know the insurance companies will jump on this and raise premiums; as if relying on technology hasn’t driven up medical costs enough as it is.
#2: Everyone’s Gone Fucking Nuts
I always thought guys who talk with hands-free bluetooth were fucking nuts. Now, with this visor for the The Next Generation, expect guys on the airplane to be secretly jerking off to the latest teen idols. Mothers will specifically ask that their child not be seated behind these perverts.
If you remember the movie Drop Dead Fred, be prepared for everyone to have an imaginary friend. You won’t hear or see their friend, but they sure can. And I can see the problems this will cause: children and young adults developing schizophrenia. Just what psychotherapists and pharmaceutical companies want: another reason to prescribe sessions and medication.
You know the more you practice something, the more it becomes routine, and normal. It becomes a habit. Do we really want everyone to have the habit of seeing things that aren’t really there? God! If he were alive today, Jimmy Hendrix would have a damn good reason to quit using drugs!
#3: Conversation Checklists
This is for people who can’t remember anything; another piece of technology to rot our brains by removing our need to exercise our memory. Now, everything we need to do, and everything we need to discuss, will scroll on a list that automatically checks itself off as we get through the day.
And, god damn! Will it get fucking annoying. You know how conversations go, from one subject to another, usually in a place it wasn’t intended? Like when you go from a board room presentation to rambling on how you should’ve killed your ex-boyfriend? Shit like that.
That won’t happen anymore; life’s little surprises are being taken away. The natural flow of conversation and thought will be killed and destroyed by the free-floating reminders ever present before our eyes. You think the government and political reform committees won’t get in on this shit? I can see every Chinese person wearing one of these real soon, and see how quickly they’re able to move toward a precious fucking democracy.
Everyone will be scientifically evaluating the conversations, one topic after the other, allowing their obsessive compulsiveness to overcome when they figit, fuss, and twitch, as the other person begins talking about something not on their perfect little list. Maybe an alarm will sound and the Glass will flash bright red, sending these newly vision-impaired jackoffs into a seizure.
#4: Increased Traffic Accidents
If you think Google Glass will reduce traffic accidents with finely tuned gauges of the distance between cars and surrounding objects, think again. Sure, it will do that, but most people don’t pay attention to the signs on the road that are already there.
You got drivers running red lights, stop signs, and cutting people off at ninety miles an hour while applying lipstick and mascara, because apparently, they need it for the 9:30 office meeting with that boss they think is a big fucking perv. You know, to gain favor with him.
When I use my turn signal to get around a slow moving vehicle, the guy in the other lane, who is hundreds of feet behind me, has the nerve to speed up. Fuck you, asshole! Put your vision assistant away and pay attention to the road!
It’s just another distraction, and soon after, we’ll need another law passed to fine people for one more thing. But, only after enough people have been killed; so when the second person dies from a Google Glass related incident, the government will pass something to calm the public’s massive outcry at this invasive and abused technology. Well, that’s America for you: blaming objects instead of ourselves.
#5: Idiot Awareness
You know, Americans and idiots aren’t always exclusive to each other, and with that, I saved the best for last. You see, at some point, an engineer out there will shock society into a tailspin of total fucking chaos with an application for Google Glass that measures a person’s intelligence.
From afar, you’ll know who to avoid, and why. A complete analysis of the person’s face, clothes, and haircut, will feed back data on the best way to avoid falling for their stupid shit. People already have the assumption that everyone’s an idiot, and with this new technology, we’ll confirm all that — up close and personal.
Speaking of getting close with technology, and avoiding idiots, I think women will benefit the most from Google Glass, at least when it comes to sizing up a man. Technology will make that easier for them: there they are, at the bar, getting a drink — because they can afford it themselves now — and on the screen is a radar of all the morons in the club: “I got to get out of here… the only person here who has at least an IQ over seventy is the bartender!”
Of course, it works the other way. Men will no longer be tricked into asking out a gold-digger. Right on the screen a gauge will show how much it will cost to take her out to dinner — for just one night — plus her living expenses, and the living expenses she wish she had, compared to the balance of his checking account. So, for ladies, it’s a catch-22: use your best judgement; most men will probably ignore it and think they can afford her anyway.
Are you ready for Google Glass and for everyone to run around looking at shit that isn’t there?