Emotional Damage, Advantage

Growing up, I was asked why I was so upset; forget that I thought most of my teachers and the kids were full of shit — two things I have thoroughly verified. Over the past ten months I discovered the real problem was anxiety: constantly thinking negative things would happen to me, and that things were unfair. True, they were unfair, in many ways, and anger was the means to express it — the only way I could get attention.

My strong connection with my emotions shouldn’t be viewed as a problem; it should be a gift from me to share with the world. This nonsense has been beaten into me, since I was a child, that I need to control my emotions. To this, I say, fuck that. My emotions make me human; having a fluorescent tan kills that. It is with this conclusion that I must get rid of trying to repress my emotions for a term that I’ve come to despise with the utmost hatred afforded to the devil himself: professional.

Something about that term really pisses me off. It’s been construed, fucked up, ruined, soiled, pissed on, by excessively repressed and depressed individuals who are afraid someone near them might expresses any emotion that gives to life because they don’t have one. They’ve sold their soul to the profit of corporate investors; these rich fucks who don’t know them and don’t give a shit about them.

I’ve been busy trying to correct myself since around the age of fourteen; so many years spent on not wanting to be influenced by stupid bullshit, hiding myself away. Always told that I had an anger problem; as if it were a bad thing. But anger is the realization of great injustice; that’s not a problem. Without anger, we’d still have slavery; suffrage; and, maybe — just maybe — still be ruled by lords and kings.

People spend so much time and energy trying to correct things that are wrong with them. Fuck that. Use those “mistakes” and turn them into an advantage. My advantage over the average person is I am strongly connected with my emotions — and I’m self-educated. There are few combinations of people such as this in the world; most people push themselves to an extreme of both, or try and balance. I can switch between them at any time I want: crafting a dissertation on the illogical points of corporate teamwork, and then switch swiftly to illustrating the very point in a comedic fashion.

It is with this understanding that I know I must share that gift with the world in a different way. My efforts on this blog only have so much reach, and so far, it hasn’t gone to a wide audience. But, I do believe this: the audience it has reached have enjoyed my work. I don’t think I’ve had a problem with that; in fact, I’ve hardly had a problem with people thinking my work isn’t any good — until recently, where I’ve had to go up against apathetic and depressed individuals who don’t give a fuck whether I work for them or not. Then again, since they don’t say anything, it’s only a guess.

Exactly how would I share my gift with the world? Well, some of you may not know this, but as a child, before I hid behind video games and computers to escape all the ridicule from the world around me, I enjoyed acting, though I’ve never been on stage. Of course, I was ridiculed for acting anything, and that’s what pushed me away to a corner, just where these assholes wanted me: out of the way.

Now, I think it’s time for me to get in their way. I’m not saying I’m going to fuck up their life, but I need to get myself noticed. Problem is, I don’t have much time to figure out how; I have to find some kind of work. But I’ve been trying to do that for over eight months — and it’s been nearly eleven months since I’ve quit my last job.

Some people say, I just need to get out there; of course, these people never say where to get out there to. So, it’s hard to believe them. I’d like to try stand-up and acting; probably more so stand up than acting, but both would be good. I figure the odds are about the same as finding employment anywhere else, so why not?

I chose the career path I wasn’t emotionally meant for — and that means I won’t be happy with it. This need to constantly improve, adopt new technologies, learn more and apply more, on and on, just to compete with some overhyped expectation that the latest technology is the only way to find work. Problem is, that’s what employers are convinced, because of the mad rush of consumers buying into these things.

Anyway, expect my articles to have more emotion in them. I’m not going to be staring at the want ads all day like I’ve been for the past couple of months; I’m going to live out whatever I can here, and probably get kicked out. There doesn’t seem to be anything else going well for me, no matter how hard I work. I’ve put together three different portfolios, ten resumes, and I haven’t had any bites. It’s like trying to catch fish in a pond, when all the fish are too stupid to know what the bait is.