I spent some time last night across the stroke of midnight and wrote nine and 1/4 pages by hand of some thoughts about my childhood. It taught me that, expressing myself was something I haven’t done much of. Without writing the full pages here, this is a summary:
Holding my emotions, thoughts, and actions in, to avoid ridicule and criticism. I never had the kind of environment that was healthy for expressing myself. Teachers, my eldest brother, kids and adults in the neighborhood, and almost anywhere else. Anxiety has been a long part of my life.
And so I’ve realized, in the past nine years I’ve worked in offices, and other jobs before that, is you can’t express your true self there. For the most part in nearly any job, even the creative ones — that I’ve tried, such as Graphic Design — you’re not projecting an extension of yourself. You’re told what to do, what to create, and even how to create it; it’s sad, and inhuman.
I think it’s important to live a healthy happy life to express yourself, especially in places and ways you won’t be attacked with harsh criticism and vitriol. As we go through adolescence we gain some self-consciousness, and if we don’t fight this and get rid of it, we can, like I have for pretty much all my 27 years, can’t truly he happy.
I’ve always been afraid of living a life wherein I was never known for anything but being a cog in the wheel. Lost in the race. What happened though is I ran myself into this race without taking time away from everything. Bombarded with constant work and constantly trying to improve my work, I never learned I have to blow it all off. And yet, this is what I’ve done time and time again; with the six jobs I’ve quit.
Each time, though, I was immediately jumping back in based on the fear that I wouldn’t have anything; a place to sleep, something to eat, and so on. Some of you may know, or not, but my mother spends much time with the youthful homeless. She takes them to the hospital, doctors, grocery shopping, and other places, to help them out.
Their spirit is strong; they have nothing, but they’re happy. They’re free from the bondage of being employed in a place wherein they can’t express themselves. Some may say this type of life is horrible; but let’s not forget how many people were free during the summer of love. True freedom, I believe, and happiness, only comes from ridding ourselves of the binds that make us an extension of someone else.
It’s making it difficult to want to return to work, and contemplating just giving up all these material goods. I have a library of more than 100 books; movies and video games. This pressure to jump back in, just doesn’t seem like something I want to do anymore so easily. I need to be able to express myself, and be listened to. I think we all do.
I like what you say here, I feel the same in a lot of ways. One thing I’ve realized is that my way of expressing myself does not always need to be tied to my job for it to bring fulfillment. When I had a job doing basic content writing, I also did music. Knowing that I didn’t need to rely on the music for an income gave me and continues to give me a great relief with it. I can do it how I want, when I want, based on my sheer enjoyment of the process. The things I do for money have to be based on the external world in more ways- I need the skill to be valuable to others and worth their money, and now I am lucky to have a job that I find fulfilling in that way. At the same time, that job cannot let me be wildly and carelessly expressive like my music can. The music continues to nourish me, as does jewelry making and other things that I do without having to rely on them for my bills..there can always be a balance. Good luck to you in finding what works for you!
Great to remind me about the music; I tried playing instruments as a kid, but was always told to put them down. Maybe when my finances are in order, I’ll get myself an electric guitar.
Very true, Carl. You seem very capable and I see you reaching a point in your life where you are expressing yourself very soon. Matter of fact, I think you’re doing a great job of it now. :)
Right you are. The small audience I’ve built on this blog has been quite supportive, too.
Ok, to be fair, you can express yourself in a traditional office space. Sure, sometimes it means taking a dump under a coworker’s desk but … You can do it.
I will be sure to have, under my desk, a litter box.
My thoughts are that you deserve a Liebster Award and I’ve just nominated you! Congratulations…Details are on my site, Good Golly Miss Molly. No money, but a lot of peer appreciation for a fellow blogger…Enjoy…