This year, I have not had a single bite of fast food. I’m still alive, feeling better, and have retained control of all the functions of my brain. If there was a statue built about one event in my life this past year, it would be that of a chef standing with a giant fork plunged into the neck of Ronald McDonald.
I think the term “fast food restaurant” is an insult to real restaurants everywhere. They’ve tried to change the term to fast food establishment, but as you know, euphemisms don’t work on me.
The term restaurant derives from the French word restaurer, which means “to restore.” If you’ve eaten fast food, you know the only thing it restores is your body’s fat content.
Let’s continue this lecture with 10 comparisons of real restaurants to fast food. I take my experience from working in fast food (for six months, then I quickly left that “profession”), and the restaurants I have eaten at.
1. Restaurants have waiters who deliver your food to the table. Fast food has drive-thrus where you wait an eternity because the customer ahead of you doesn’t understand the basic rule of a healthy diet is to only eat what you need.
2. Restaurant patrons, who pay more, handle complaints about their food gracefully. Fast food goers, who pay less, handle their complaints with bitter anger and resentment.
3. Restaurants send you a bill after your meal, in case you add more to it. Fast food requires you to order everything beforehand,and half the customers change their order at the pick-up window.
4. Restaurants provide utensils with every meal, while most fast food is eaten with your hands.
5. Restaurants fully clean the table and chairs after each patron is finished with their meal. Fast food leaves globs of mustard and straw covers on the table.
6. At restaurants, you eat your food on dishes. At fast food, you eat your food on waxy paper or Styrofoam.
7. At restaurants, there might be entertainment in the form of live music or stand-up comedy. At fast food, the entertainment is the customers’ insane demands.
8. Some restaurants require reservations. At fast food, customers have no reservation in their opinions.
9. Restaurants cook your food when you order it. Fast food cooked it hours ago.
10. Restaurant ads showcase their food and dining rooms. Fast food ads showcase models and athletes, neither who would eat fast food.